carpe diem

so i have this blog. and i write in it. and people read it. but i think you might be in agreeance with me that though i share my thoughts and goings-on – i’m still very vague. don’t feel slighted, i don’t open up to many people. and in fact, even as a young lass, i’ve always been a very private person. sure, when i love and enjoy something i shout it from the rooftops and everyone is aware – but when it comes to things that trouble or upset me, i tend to remain quiet. and the same is true for my “personal” life bang-ups and hang-ups.

i think i’d like to talk about something. and i’m sure plenty of you will wonder why this is such a big deal for me to talk about, but it is… and i have no psychological answer as to why.

last week i was on the phone with my mom. i was telling her how ryan and i would like to start trying for children in a few years. she then said to me “…if you’re even able to have kids.” those of you who know me know how much i insanely, unconditionally, inexplicably love children. i HAVE to have kids. i have wanted kids since i was a kid. 

i was a little hurt that she had said that, i kinda knew why, but i left it alone. well, yesterday we spoke again on the phone and i had asked her what she meant by her comment from the previous week.

and now here comes the part where i’m not going to be vague for once…

at the age of four, i was diagnosed with stage iv of Wilms Tumor cancer. it was in a pretty advanced state and spread to lungs and chest. i underwent quite a bit of chemo and radiation, lost my hair, had my left kidney removed, and so on – but i’m blessed to say i have been cancer free for 20 years. because of the degree to which i had it, i have to return to the doc’s (same doctor, actually), every year for the rest of my life; i am under a research. 

when i began first grade, i was a little baldy. i remember going to roller skating parties with my class or friends and feeling extremely self-conscious when the Hokey Pokey played… you know, the part where you “put your head in and shake it all about.” all the other girls in my class had hair that they shook about… and i didn’t. and that made me feel different.

many children are very open about when they have diseases. in fact, when i worked at my church daycare, one of the kids had the same cancer i had. it affected her, health wise, in different ways – and she was also very open about it; almost as if it were a button on her shirt that she was nonchalantly telling people about.

why wasn’t i like that? and why don’t i openly talk about it now?

i suppose, to answer the latter, it’s not something i feel is important for people to know. what’s the point? i don’t have it anymore and the chances of it coming back are slim to none. and there’s no reason to dwell on the past – i am alive and love the dickens out of life, so… so what if i had cancer? i beat it.

let’s jump back to present time… yesterday after i got off the phone with my mom, i researched on how having wilms tumor can affect pregnancies. i was… devastated and a little frightened by what i discovered. “IF” i am even able to bear children, there are chances of birth defects, miscarriages, etc. i lost it. i was so deeply saddened by the mere thought of not being able to bear children. i can deal with birth defects. but i can’t deal with not being able to have children of my own.

most of the studies i read talked about people who had had radiation to their abdomen… i quickly called my mom back, in tears, to confirm that i didn’t have it to my abdomen but to my chest. she said that was correct. she also told me researching this information is good for knowledge, but it beckons trouble because everyone’s case and story is different. she told me to take it with a grain of salt. i agree. it was just the initial shock of what i read… as i had never researched the matter before.

ryan and i talked about it a little last night, but it also happened to be his birthday… so… way to put a damper on things, danny. thank goodness i have an understanding, compassionate husband.

anyway… if you didn’t know, now you do. but the main purpose for me writing this wasn’t necessarily for you so much as it was for me.

carpe diem.

ps: don’t get too used to vulnerable posts :-)

redundancy and randomness

well… i can’t believe i’m about to admit this but… guess what i bought today? sigh. a shirt for my dog. before you start to judge me, there is an extremely good reason for purchasing such a redundant item.

charlie is a chihuahua. he was born, and has been raised so far, in thailand. we will be moving back to the States where seasons take place. see where i’m going with this? charlie will be experiencing temps below 70 degrees and i would like him to survive… and i’ve read that chihuahuas should wear sweaters. anyway – i bought him a shirt today to figure out his size. of course, i got a size too big which means i now have to go back and exchange the most redundant item i have ever purchased. awesome.

random fact time!! i prefer to brush my teeth using cold water! what! who knew!?

and in more random news, i found imposter thin mint girl scout cookies, which made my life get 10x better.

and now here’s a random photo:

this, according to my computer, was taken on February 6, 2007. that’s random, no? i can’t wait to be cold again…

many sides to mrs. meo

while in a taxi today, i began to think about all the “sides” to me… here is what i came up with:

independent: this side flourished heaps when i lived in nyc. i didn’t mind doing things by myself, and in fact, enjoyed them… going to movies, eating out, shopping, etc.

reclusive: sometimes i really enjoy not leaving the house and not interacting with people. it’s not that i feel i need a break from anything – i just enjoy “minding my own business,” as they say. though… i think if i dig a bit deeper into said reclusive behavior, there are times i feel like i can’t go out and interact if i’m not at my best (term used loosely). not for fear of how people will view me necessarily, but because of how i view myself in those times. 

entertainer/people person: is an explanation really needed for this behavioral observation? i suppose i do have something to add… extroverts are said to be extroverted because they get their energy from being around people; whereas introverts get their energy from being alone. (i think that’s correct?) the more i thought about it today, the more i realized that i don’t get energy from being around just anyone. my energy comes from certain TYPES of people… narrowed down, but not necessarily limited to: children, teenagers, and theatre people. everyone else, outside of those categories, i enjoy being around simply because i like them. the point of saying all that is to prove  that i don’t think i’m entirely an extroverted person… or entirely and introverted person.

dependent: the “side” i’m least proud of. i am unintentionally dependent because many things have been handed to me. this is something i continually work on because it affects ryan (and other loved ones, i’m sure), greatly;  in such a way that our marriage stops feeling like a partnership and more like a parent/child relationship. not ideal.

so… i don’t consider myself plagued with schizophrenia or anything – i think most people have multiple sides to them. and those are mine, in a coconut shell. (i’m tired of the phrase “nutshell” so i spiced it up a bit.)

jim thompson outing

the day began with a lot of rain… which meant it was going to be a wonderful day.

some friends (also clients of ryan), were kind enough to take him (us) out for his birthday (which is this coming wednesday!!). we had lunch at the well-known Oriental Hotel, then we took a tour of the Jim Thompson home. very cool. [side note: i'm looking forward to an upcoming trip to the Jim Thompson outlet with Amy because hopefully i'll find some souvenirs/gifts there!] also, i have realized i would much rather spend my day at a museum or gallery than an amusement park. although… if i get could a funnel cake at a museum or gallery that would be absolutely perfect!

anyway… here are a few photos from today:

with our friends, kerry and kim @ the Oriental…

us. i like this photo a lot… but i’m a bit bias…

other…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

more photos on facebook. check ‘em out. happy sunday!

death of a bat

this is the story of a bat. a dead bat residing in our pool. how was it discovered, you ask? well ryan decided to go for a swim. after being in the pool for nearly five minutes, i heard him yell, “Danny go get the camera!” 

of course, our pool is no home for a dead bat, so i went to fetch one of our guards to fish him out. he decided to use his hands. oh, thailand… so practical.

this is me resorting back to my habit of nail biting because i don’t think bats are fun. especially when they are dead. dead in the pool i swim in everyday. 

the end.

heat.

let’s pretend you are in a place where the temperature is in the 90’s every single day… how will you stay cool?

here’s what you will need: a pool. a swimsuit. a flotation device. music. 

to really be hip, you should try and find a flotation device that looks like this:

that’s right folk – this here raft is meant for boys ages 3-10… and it was the only raft i could find, i promise.

here’s another photo because this is my blog and i can do what i want:

so… listen… i’ll be changing the blog background/design/format/what-have-you because i need change. and since i don’t have enough furniture to rearrange, my blog will be replacing that desire. you have been warned.

the fitted sheet saga

there are many things in life which are quite difficult, but people make them look easy. for example:

ice skating

ballet, jazz, tap, etc.

gymnastics

any sport, really

marriage

folding a fitted sheet

ventriloquism 

riding a really tall unicycle

juggling

drawing, painting

relationships

playing an instrument

snapping with your left hand

geographical directions and location (such as, but not limited to, North, East, South, and West… for example)

and the list goes on…

 

clearly, most of these could be considered as “crafts” and some require an already-possessed knack to do (especially folding a fitted sheet. i will never know how my mother does it). 

my point is, most–nay,  all– things in life require work. a lot of it. and life is hard and it bends and turns unexpectedly; it’s meant to be unpredictable. and sometimes, most times, i don’t know how to figure some things out (which is why i just wad up the fitted sheet and put it in the closet). and i think that’s my problem – instead of taking the time to learn how to do something effectively, i would rather just wad it up… which may or may not be code for “taking the easy way out.” 

i know i’m not the only one with this mentality… but that doesn’t mean i should continue to have it. i know i will never have all the answers and i know there is no one, exact, right way to do something. i also know that no one is perfect. these things i am certain of. but what i am uncertain of is how to go about changing things that i have done ineffectively for years… 

so… here’s to one step at a time, yeah?

leaving thailand…

so let’s cut to the chase, yeah? as you may have heard, ryan and i will be leaving Thailand and moving back to the States.

why?: multiple reasons, really. 1) we appreciate changes of season. 2) it is important for us to be close(r) to family in case an emergency were to arise. 3) frustrations with job stuff (on my end), which is a bit more challenging and different when you’re working in another country. 4) there is no Taco Bell here. 5) aside from those reasons, the thing is – if some situations were different, we would enjoy being here longer… so leaving is definitely bittersweet.

when?: we will be returning to the midwest (Northern Ohio) on July 7th (which is actually the day we fly out of Thailand, but because of the time difference it shall be the longest Tuesday of our lives). it will be quite the whirlwind once we return… toward the end of July we will be in San Francisco for a week, back to the midwest, a trip to the “South” to visit extended family, back to the midwest, then off to Germany for Christmas with Ryan’s fam (compliments of Ryan’s father). 

we would love to relocate to Seattle, so hopefully that is where we’ll end up once all the hob-knobbing with everyone settles down.

our awesome canine, charlie, will be coming back with us. thankfully he is able to fly in the cabin; he meets all the requirements. i would worry about him the entire trip if i knew he was down in the cargo with all the luggage. also, i’ve been giving charlie pep (or pup) talks on what to expect with living as an immigrant in America. he seems excited. i am curious, though, on how he’ll handle weather below the mid-70’s.

in other news – i will be updating this thing more often. so, please stay tuned! 

hope you are well.

Song.

Watch, please!

please take a moment of your time to watch my short video and check out the website my husband has been working super hard on. i am extremely proud of him.

tell your friends, too!!

 

 

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