so much! so much…

1. hi. i’ve missed you, too.

2. i’ve been trying to get a job. my resumé is everywhere. everyone knows i’m looking and they’re helping me… so far, nada.

3. so i’m back at my former place of employment: reality tuesday cafe. part-time.

4. i love working there. i always have. i mean, coffee, pastries, people… hello!

5. charlie loathes cold weather. i think he thinks we must be punishing him by bringing him to cold america. so we got him a sweater. and a coat. adorably cute.

6. i’m listening to christmas music on pandora. i’ve been listening to xmas music the past two weeks. i have no shame.

7. i say things a lot like, “i love so-and-so, i love this-or-that” and i think, “wow. i love a lot of things.” really? …yes. i love gobstoppers, cold weather, the strange looking lurch-man at kroger named joe, etc.

8. a man came into the cafe the other night… aside from him looking like a shady mcgrady, he said we need to start having live music (which we do, occasionally). he then informed me that he was in a Police cover-band and they are able to play the songs “a lot slower” than they are normally played (because this is a big feat for them?). and i quote, “so like, ‘every breath you take’ is usually around 3 minutes, well we can play it so slow that it’s like, 5 minutes. you know, really draw it out.” as if that song needed extended breath, am i right.

9. i tweet a lot. i like to think of it as “facebook gone wild.” i say that because, most of my tweets are things that i would not say on facebook. they’re laden and dripping with sarcasm and wit… times a billion. which might make them appear offensive… smiley face.

10. i applied the other day for a job i think would be perfect for me. on their online application, i used the phrase “i’m a real go-getter.” in my head, i said this with… ya know, a sorta funny voice. after pressing “send,” i thought back to some of the things i had written, realizing in that moment, i probably won’t get the job.

11. hope you’re staying healthy and fancy!

i have something obvious i must admit and confront. and in doing so in this cozy, public environment, perhaps i’ll get a few sympathy votes? yes, perhaps.

i… am a very picky person.

whew. that felt good.

so okay, let me clarify and expound upon said admitted pickiness: i’m not picky about EVERY thing. but the things i am picky about might seem irrational to… oh, we’ll say, my husband.

the “for examples:”

laundry: it is very important for me that my clothes actually smell like they’ve been laundered. if this requires using more detergent, combined with the fabric softener and a scented dryer sheet, then that’s what i’ll do. and it’s important that my whites have a scent of bleach on them. i love doing laundry, simply for the fact that i love the smell. furthermore, i once wrote a paper on the process of laundry in college (it was a paper about a process), and it was the only paper i got a high A on. so…

lighting: if natural light is an option, then it’s the only option for me. for instance, the bathroom has a window (two, in fact). so why turn on the light? no need. i mean, so what if by pulling up the shade the neighbors have an opportunity for a show? natural light! and i wait until the last possible ounce of daylight is gone before i will turn on the light. even as i type this while sitting in the kitchen, the lights are off because there is plenty of light coming in from the outside. and it creates more of a pleasant environment! more appealing. also, when i have no option of natural light, i will spend 10 minutes just figuring out what florescent lights are more inviting in that particular room: ya know, which lamps to turn on. and i prefer lamps over the ceiling fan lights. oh my gosh… i’m realizing just how ridiculous this pickiness category is.

sound: i have sensitive ears. i really believe i do. and i have a good ear (in terms of music, harmonies, those kinds of things). so when it comes to music in the car and i am in the backseat, i don’t like hearing in the back. ask my mom, as a young kid (probably starting about age 4?), i would always say, “Mom don’t turn it back here.” and she knew what i meant. — when it comes to the television and movies, i don’t like the sound blaring at me. i think maybe it’s more than it being “loud,” i really like to focus on a lot when i watch something (the acting, what’s being portrayed, etc.). …i just made that up to justify this behavior. but it sounded good? ha! sounded! — and when it comes to arenas where i have no control over the sound, i adapt.

loading the dishwasher: i believe there is a place for everything and a way to fit everything in. not only is that what she said, but that’s all i need to say about that appliance.

coffee: i am a coffee snob. and i have being a barista for 4.5 years to blame.

there’s more… but those are the “big” ones. and i really don’t think i need to list anymore because i’m finding my behaviors really unnecessary right now.

smiley face.

new blog theme! i need change. if i don’t have constant change, i self-destruct… not blow up into a million pieces, or anything awesomely dramatic like that… i just, function differently.

it’s been a looong while since my last post, so i’ll fill you in with a segment entitled:

“Important Happenings That Have Happened”

1. i am no longer in Thailand.

2. i am in America.

3. R and i will be relocating to the Cincy area for a brief amount of time (under two years, preferably), before (hopefully), moving out to the WEST COAST.

4. R and i have done lots of traveling in the Americas since we’ve been back.

5. we brought Charlie with us. he’s a great traveler. also, i’m pretty sure he’s perfect.

6. if you don’t know who Charlie is, you are a newcomer to my blog. he’s my dog. and welcome to my blog. that rhymed.

7. i do not have a job. yet. [note to self: prepare resumé. like, today. ...or tomorrow.]

8. umm…

9. something that just occurred in REAL-TIME: R is currently cleaning out a hallway closet at his mom’s house, and he found a very large dog collar. …it fits around my waist.

10. Charlie is allergic to fleas.

11. current obsession: Sunday in the Park with George by Stephen Sondheim. (thanks BH)

so… there ya go! until next time, dear reader… stay classy.

alright you guys… i’m ready to let you see ONE thing i’ve written. and the only reason i’m even sharing this is because my friend Tiffany decided to read it aloud to people today… thanks, Fanny. 

bear in mind that this is meant for children =) also, this particular piece would be contained in a collection of stories, as opposed to being its own book.

my inspiration behind this? well, it’s how i felt this morning…

An Unpretty Day 

what have i been working on lately, you ask? well… i have been working on writing a/some children’s book/s! i’m finally putting forth enough time and effort that it takes (if you’ll recall, i attempted this feat many months ago), but now i have time and fewer responsibilities.

i don’t claim to be a writer, though. it’s terribly difficult for me to write a story (or maybe it’s challenging for me to write a “grown-up” story?)… but i’ve discovered if i write in rhyme and verse, it comes quite naturally. also, i’ve been doing LOTS of research about what type of stories appeal to kids and their parents, i’ve been reading popular childrens’ books and i’ve also been researching writing styles. sooooo… i “think” i am on the right track. it’s a really fun process. and i think i’m going to be good at it.

news flash: ryan and i return to the States in 50 days!! weird. it’s extremely bittersweet. 

oh! i bought a thesaurus! it’s a good book. and big–nay, elephantine! it also has a section in the middle with various phobias. my favorites? teratophobia: fear of giving birth to monsters. sinophobia: fear of Chinese people and things. guys, i am NOT kidding – i actually had that fear growing up. i was frightened of Asian people (which i think i have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie to blame for that). odontophobia: fear of teeth. so there’s a few. hilarious, no?

back to children’s books… i read quite a few today (thanks to Amy!). one of my new favorites is called “Fancy Nancy” by Jane O’Connor. it is adorably wonderful! for some reason, i think if ever i have a little girl, she might be a Fancy Nancy. 

so… that’s what i’ve been up to… immersing myself in the world of children’s literature. maybe i’ll post a rough draft soon! we’ll see…

hope you are well, reader.

i’ve realized a deeper meaning to why i enjoy rain so much. yes, it is pleasurable here because it has the ability  to cool off the temperature… but in general… rain forces me to slow down, in more ways than one.

physical example: back in the States when i drove, i had to slow down and become more aware when it was raining. especially in cincinnati, thanks to all the hills.

mental example: i love love and love being go go go all the time, and this includes my brain. i’m constantly thinking and dreaming and i love that i am always occupied with something. but for some reason, rain has a way of helping me focus my thoughts and i’m able to devote full attention to particular things/thoughts/ideas. which then allows me to be a little bit more creative. …and i have certainly felt like that these past few days.

so there’s that.

also, these past three days have been jammed packed with good conversation and good company. monday: a talented, young actor. tuesday: amy (paired with shopping = a very good day). and today: tiffany.

so there’s that.

i have a goal this week (that will hopefully extend past this week): spend less time on facebook. what!? i know, it sounds preposterous. but seriously you guys, i could being doing SO many more productive things. so… sigh… wish me luck with that.

ah! one thing i’ve realized is that it is so much easier for me to be creative (in the form of story writing) when i don’t type on a computer but rather i use paper and pen (what are those!?). i think it’s because i know the internet is just a click away. and then facebook is another click away. so…

there’s that.

i watched It’s A Wonderful Life this morning and i forgot how many great moments there are in that film. speaking of which,  i will always wish i was born in that decade/era/time. you know, when the only colors were black and white and people spoke with transatlantic accents and dressed up to eat supper and sometimes sang to express what they were feeling. 

so… there’s that, too.

alright guys, no facebook starting… in ten minutes, or so. oh jeez…

things i miss from the States:

driving!!!

cold weather

THEATRE

taco bell

my favorite brown sweater

family and friends!

how Target smells

things i’ll miss about Thailand:

the flowers and trees!!

not the heat

friends i’ve made here

getting SOME things at an inexpensive price

monks

aspects about our lifestyle that we won’t have in the States

the movie theatres

things happening in the next month or so that i’m looking forward to:

outing to the jim thompson outlet tomorrow! souvenirs!

tiffany time

charlie getting his stitches out on thursday. thaaaaank goodness

possible trip to Chaing Mai

trip to Germany for Christmas

shopping for (more) souvenirs with Ryan this weekend

happy monday, monday readers!

oh golly. what a week.

bad things: 1) charlie was neutered today. poor fella. not only is he in pain, but he must wear a cone on his head for the next seven days; which he actually doesn’t seem to mind (yet). the vet said they could keep him for five days to keep an eye on him and change his bandage daily, etc. – but i’d much rather him be here… and i can do all that jazzy stuff.  but gosh you guys, i am drained just from day one! 2) it’s hot here. still. 3) i need to return emails and messages in a more prompt manner… i’m so good at sending them but not replying.

good things: 1) charlie will (hopefully; fingers crossed), STOP humping! silly chihuahua. 2) i’m looking forward to monday!  3) i am about 60 days away from indulging in way too much Taco Bell. 4) life is good. really good. and i like that.

weird things:  i have met my mini-me! it’s bizarre. she’s like me at this age, only at her age. make sense? she’s in high school and uber talented for her age. no joke. this kid has a bright, bright future ahead of her. so i touched base with her and we’ve been corresponding and she and i are going to meet on monday so she can pick my brain with theatre related questions. i’m excited. for one, it’s amazingly refreshing that i found someone here i can carry on a lengthy, theatre oriented conversation with. and for two, i believe in this kid so much and i want to help/provide/support her any way i can. the world of theatre is a dog-eat-dog world… preparation is vital.

annnnd that’s all she wrote. for now.

the following is a list of jobs i could/should never, ever have. ever.:

nail painter

window washer for really tall buildings

pilot, or any other job that requires me to know where i’m going

the kind of waitress that has to carry a lot of things on a tray

hair cutter

gladiator

taxidermist 

hot air balloon man

wood carver/totem pole maker

crash-test dummy

accountant

reptile catcher

juggler

braille writer/reader

characiture artist

…to name a few.

random photo comin’ atcha! circa, 2007. oh, Pez.

so i have this blog. and i write in it. and people read it. but i think you might be in agreeance with me that though i share my thoughts and goings-on – i’m still very vague. don’t feel slighted, i don’t open up to many people. and in fact, even as a young lass, i’ve always been a very private person. sure, when i love and enjoy something i shout it from the rooftops and everyone is aware – but when it comes to things that trouble or upset me, i tend to remain quiet. and the same is true for my “personal” life bang-ups and hang-ups.

i think i’d like to talk about something. and i’m sure plenty of you will wonder why this is such a big deal for me to talk about, but it is… and i have no psychological answer as to why.

last week i was on the phone with my mom. i was telling her how ryan and i would like to start trying for children in a few years. she then said to me “…if you’re even able to have kids.” those of you who know me know how much i insanely, unconditionally, inexplicably love children. i HAVE to have kids. i have wanted kids since i was a kid. 

i was a little hurt that she had said that, i kinda knew why, but i left it alone. well, yesterday we spoke again on the phone and i had asked her what she meant by her comment from the previous week.

and now here comes the part where i’m not going to be vague for once…

at the age of four, i was diagnosed with stage iv of Wilms Tumor cancer. it was in a pretty advanced state and spread to lungs and chest. i underwent quite a bit of chemo and radiation, lost my hair, had my left kidney removed, and so on – but i’m blessed to say i have been cancer free for 20 years. because of the degree to which i had it, i have to return to the doc’s (same doctor, actually), every year for the rest of my life; i am under a research. 

when i began first grade, i was a little baldy. i remember going to roller skating parties with my class or friends and feeling extremely self-conscious when the Hokey Pokey played… you know, the part where you “put your head in and shake it all about.” all the other girls in my class had hair that they shook about… and i didn’t. and that made me feel different.

many children are very open about when they have diseases. in fact, when i worked at my church daycare, one of the kids had the same cancer i had. it affected her, health wise, in different ways – and she was also very open about it; almost as if it were a button on her shirt that she was nonchalantly telling people about.

why wasn’t i like that? and why don’t i openly talk about it now?

i suppose, to answer the latter, it’s not something i feel is important for people to know. what’s the point? i don’t have it anymore and the chances of it coming back are slim to none. and there’s no reason to dwell on the past – i am alive and love the dickens out of life, so… so what if i had cancer? i beat it.

let’s jump back to present time… yesterday after i got off the phone with my mom, i researched on how having wilms tumor can affect pregnancies. i was… devastated and a little frightened by what i discovered. “IF” i am even able to bear children, there are chances of birth defects, miscarriages, etc. i lost it. i was so deeply saddened by the mere thought of not being able to bear children. i can deal with birth defects. but i can’t deal with not being able to have children of my own.

most of the studies i read talked about people who had had radiation to their abdomen… i quickly called my mom back, in tears, to confirm that i didn’t have it to my abdomen but to my chest. she said that was correct. she also told me researching this information is good for knowledge, but it beckons trouble because everyone’s case and story is different. she told me to take it with a grain of salt. i agree. it was just the initial shock of what i read… as i had never researched the matter before.

ryan and i talked about it a little last night, but it also happened to be his birthday… so… way to put a damper on things, danny. thank goodness i have an understanding, compassionate husband.

anyway… if you didn’t know, now you do. but the main purpose for me writing this wasn’t necessarily for you so much as it was for me.

carpe diem.

ps: don’t get too used to vulnerable posts :-)