i’m unable to sleep. i’m not tired. and i blame either the hot tea i drank tonight and/or the bad spanish wine that i’m still, currently drinking… even though it’s not very good; hence why i referred to it as “bad.”
i just received an email about auditions for Peter Pan at Covedale… a role i would be going out for if i were in the States right now… i’ll refrain from expressing frustration.
you know how a child can watch the same movie over and over and over again? well, when i find a song, movie, album, musical (basically any form of media), that i really really like – i become obsessed. but i have found that obsession only occurs when i stumble upon it myself; versus having been introduced to it by someone. that being said, i have a current obsession… it’s a musical composing duo: Kerrigan & Lowdermilk. my obsession with them stemmed from my obsession with a song they wrote – and i actually made reference to this song in the post before last (though i never stated the name of it). anyway… one thing captivating about the songs contained in their shows is that they are sooo incredibly honest. which brings me to something i’ve been thinking about…
part of me wishes i was able to be vulnerable in this blog. not that i am unable – i just choose not to. and even if i kept a journal not found in a public setting, i still don’t think i’d divulge my plethera of deep, dark secrets. i applaud those who are able, really i do. but honestly, i’m not exactly willingly vulernable in real life either. i think there’s a lot of things that i would rather push to the very far back parts of my mind than discuss (family stuff, for one. tons of other stuff, for two). and it’s not that i’m necessarily in denial about anything. i mean, i give people honest answers if they inquire about my life and i really am a partially, opened book once you get to know me… i just don’t tend to initiate vulnerable type of conversations. is that bad? ryan and i sometimes talk about this because it is an ongoing obstacle for me, even with him. and whether it is bad or not, it makes me feel bad.
it’s just… i don’t know. sometimes i feel like… like i’m trapped inside a house of mirrors. and i’m surrounded by all these people that look and talk and move and smell like me… and each one of those people have escaped and have made themselves visible to so many over the past 24 years… that now i’m not sure who the real one is.
anyway.
it’s past 2am here. i’m still not tired but i kinda want to go dream with my eyes closed now…
