so i have this blog. and i write in it. and people read it. but i think you might be in agreeance with me that though i share my thoughts and goings-on – i’m still very vague. don’t feel slighted, i don’t open up to many people. and in fact, even as a young lass, i’ve always been a very private person. sure, when i love and enjoy something i shout it from the rooftops and everyone is aware – but when it comes to things that trouble or upset me, i tend to remain quiet. and the same is true for my “personal” life bang-ups and hang-ups.
i think i’d like to talk about something. and i’m sure plenty of you will wonder why this is such a big deal for me to talk about, but it is… and i have no psychological answer as to why.
last week i was on the phone with my mom. i was telling her how ryan and i would like to start trying for children in a few years. she then said to me “…if you’re even able to have kids.” those of you who know me know how much i insanely, unconditionally, inexplicably love children. i HAVE to have kids. i have wanted kids since i was a kid.
i was a little hurt that she had said that, i kinda knew why, but i left it alone. well, yesterday we spoke again on the phone and i had asked her what she meant by her comment from the previous week.
and now here comes the part where i’m not going to be vague for once…
at the age of four, i was diagnosed with stage iv of Wilms Tumor cancer. it was in a pretty advanced state and spread to lungs and chest. i underwent quite a bit of chemo and radiation, lost my hair, had my left kidney removed, and so on – but i’m blessed to say i have been cancer free for 20 years. because of the degree to which i had it, i have to return to the doc’s (same doctor, actually), every year for the rest of my life; i am under a research.
when i began first grade, i was a little baldy. i remember going to roller skating parties with my class or friends and feeling extremely self-conscious when the Hokey Pokey played… you know, the part where you “put your head in and shake it all about.” all the other girls in my class had hair that they shook about… and i didn’t. and that made me feel different.
many children are very open about when they have diseases. in fact, when i worked at my church daycare, one of the kids had the same cancer i had. it affected her, health wise, in different ways – and she was also very open about it; almost as if it were a button on her shirt that she was nonchalantly telling people about.
why wasn’t i like that? and why don’t i openly talk about it now?
i suppose, to answer the latter, it’s not something i feel is important for people to know. what’s the point? i don’t have it anymore and the chances of it coming back are slim to none. and there’s no reason to dwell on the past – i am alive and love the dickens out of life, so… so what if i had cancer? i beat it.
let’s jump back to present time… yesterday after i got off the phone with my mom, i researched on how having wilms tumor can affect pregnancies. i was… devastated and a little frightened by what i discovered. “IF” i am even able to bear children, there are chances of birth defects, miscarriages, etc. i lost it. i was so deeply saddened by the mere thought of not being able to bear children. i can deal with birth defects. but i can’t deal with not being able to have children of my own.
most of the studies i read talked about people who had had radiation to their abdomen… i quickly called my mom back, in tears, to confirm that i didn’t have it to my abdomen but to my chest. she said that was correct. she also told me researching this information is good for knowledge, but it beckons trouble because everyone’s case and story is different. she told me to take it with a grain of salt. i agree. it was just the initial shock of what i read… as i had never researched the matter before.
ryan and i talked about it a little last night, but it also happened to be his birthday… so… way to put a damper on things, danny. thank goodness i have an understanding, compassionate husband.
anyway… if you didn’t know, now you do. but the main purpose for me writing this wasn’t necessarily for you so much as it was for me.
carpe diem.
ps: don’t get too used to vulnerable posts :-)
this, according to my computer, was taken on February 6, 2007. that’s random, no? i can’t wait to be cold again…
